… it’s what many women ask themselves when the man reluctantly tells them that he wants to experiment with SM. Together or on his own.

He never talked about it before, so why does he suddenly have those needs? Does he now want another wife, am I not good enough anymore? And has my husband now suddenly turned gay, because he says he wants to walk around in women’s clothing? And even more, he wants me to help him with it! Ridiculous! Yes, gay, because he says he’s very curious about anal sex. He wants me to buy a strap-on so I can fuck him with it! I really think he lost his mind!

I really don’t understand my husband anymore and I think it’s weird, honestly. Don’t I have enough to offer him, is that the reason for those strange thoughts? Is he tired of me, trying to get rid of me like that?

How, he wants to discover all this together with me? Am I supposed to hang around in bondage as well, or walk on high heels, crawl for him or make love with others? I am completely insecure about this, it feels like the bottom under my feet has been swept away and I don’t know what to do with it anymore!

Breathe in, breathe out and read through …

For many years we, Mistress Kate and Mistress Illucia, are active and known in the SM world and we speak many people (men and women), we play with submissives and / or fetishists and we also receive a lot of couples as guests in our studio to share these desires and feelings together.

Sometimes it’s only the male who approaches one of us with the desire to further explore for example a fetish like travesty, anal training or if he may serve us as a slave. During the intake meeting (which we always have before a session in the BDSM studio), it often comes out hesitatingly that “nothing on the subject can be discussed with the wife, that she thinks he’s crazy, that it’s making her insecure and sometimes angry too.”

When we get the idea that the partner reacts largely from uncertainty and ignorance, we offer the couple the opportunity to come together during, for example, the open house (which we organize twice a year). The partner can look around in our studio in The Hague, get to know us and also ask any questions.

‘What do you mean, insane, why crazy? Do we look crazy or nuts? Or unhappy?’ is often our answer to the aforementioned statement of a partner and with this the opening to a good and clarifying conversation is often quickly found.

Most of the time it helps the partner to get acquainted with us, to see us in person and to have a little chat. This way the partner learns  that we don’t want to ‘take away’ her husband, spend the Christmas days with him or sleep with him.

We try to explain that SM is something that mainly starts between the ears (and okay, it later involves the rest of the body as well, which is then clearly visible). But also that it is a need, a deep desire that needs to be fulfilled occasionally. The unanticipated urge, that can last for a long time when there is no ‘play time’ for a while or the feeling of discomfort that may exist when there seems to be no possibility of doing something with the SM feelings… we name it and explain everything.

No, the husband in question does not want to get rid of his wife. Most of the time, the man prefers to experience everything with his partner in whatever way possible. When the partner indicates that she has no idea how to participate, the couple can come to us together for a session. Both can come as submissives and they will be allowed to serve the Mistress and experience many exciting moments. But it is also possible that the woman initially only watches how her husband submits himself to the Mistress and later on, learning along the way and when she feels more confident, she gets involved and wants to handle the whip herself. A simple bondage explained to her and allowed to apply, getting all her questions answered, meanwhile enjoying her a wonderful foot massage given by her husband. Just some examples, the possibilities are almost endless.

It’s also possible that the partner really has no interest in SM at all, absolutely nothing. This too has to be respected of course. But then the partner can be reassured by us that she can safely send her husband to us with nothing to worry about. She might also notice that her husband will be relaxed after a session with us and that he will often appreciate her even more because of this granted freedom.

Of course, the partner can also have another advantage in allowing or supporting the SM-feelings of her husband, namely a very attentive and helpful man who is controlled by us. In what ways? Just to name a few:

– when the wife tells us that the man doesn’t do his chores at home, we have the punishment session to correct him

– we can instruct the husband to delve into the technique of a good massage: you will be very pleased in the end

– during training with us, the man learns how to be of more help at home, carrying out your assignments, without losing any of his masculinity. After all, we like to see slaves as being submissive and obedient, but you still want to have that man with balls at home.

There are plenty more of examples that you could discuss with us. SM can be customized to anyone’s needs and wishes. That’s how we see and practice it, because everyone is unique.

To us it is of great importance that not only the man himself, but also his partner has a good feeling about it and keeps that feeling all the way. After all, honesty and open communication is key!

If you feel that you are that woman whose husband has indicated to be ‘into SM’, don’t freak out! Just contact us and arrange for an exploratory and informative meeting about this.

Or, are you the man who recently told his wife about it and you don’t know how to move on together? Call or email us and we will take the time for you.